Post 1 of about 100 blogs I need to catch up on... :P

Talk about falling behind on blogging! I had a feeling I wouldn't do so well with this. I'm a procrastinator, so for me to be a regular blogger.... Just doesn't seem ideal. :P I think about it a lot though. Does that count for something? ;) So, much has gone on since my last blog. I need to break them up into individual blogs. I have so many pictures, from all the events that has gone on. But, blogspot to me isn't too user friendly. Haven't figured out how to really post them, with each post.  So, if someone can help me with that... Send me a little shout out! Pretty please. ;)
So, in a previous post I had mentioned we were in the process of getting our oldest son, Justin diagnosed with Autism. After numerous appointments, with different specialists, and lots of money later... We have it confirmed. Our sweet boy does have Autism. My first initial reaction wasn't shocked. I knew something was up, and had suspected it being something along these lines. I was however, a little shocked in the severity, along with the few other things he was diagnosed with. This has by far been one of the most emotional, and draining processes we've been through. Just to get him diagnosed, took so much work. The process caused the heartache, and frustration. Not the fact that our child was diagnosed with Autism. Of course my heart had sadness at first, because of the many challenges he will face in his life. All the therapies he will endure, the future jerk bullies that will pick on him, simply because he is different from them, and the list goes on. No parent wants their child to suffer, and we aren't any different.
Words can't express the amount of guilt I went through with this... All the day to day things that I would get frustrated with, because him not doing what he was told properly, etc.. Thinking things weren't getting done out of laziness, and lack of care. Even grounding him for things, that I now know he really "just didn't get it!" Ugh, the hurt my heart feels looking back. If I had only known...
I can't live with all those shoulda, coulda, woulda, moments. All I can do is buck up, and educate myself as much as possible, in ways to be the best mother I can to him. Find ways to understand my child. It hurts so bad, knowing he has so much to say, and he can't just come out and express what that is. I can only imagine how his sweet brain is so over loaded, with so much. His mind running at about 200 MPH, and not knowing how to slow it down. These are the things we need to learn, and get help with. It will be a constant growing, and learning process for us all.
I never really realized just how much of an impatient person I was... This has tested my patience in ways it never had been. For that I am grateful. I have learned to slow down, take deep breaths, and take the time to figure out every situation around me. This is something I need to do, if I'm going to be a good parent, wife, and all around better person.
Now that we have the diagnosis, we have to work on getting state help for him. With the amount of therapy he needs, and with the high amount of co pays we would need to pay, would put us in the severe poor house. We pray that we can get this secondary insurance by the state, so they can pick up the copay at least. That way our boy can have the help he needs, to the fullest. Arranging the appointment with the "DD" (place to get benefits) is our next big step. Wish us luck!
I'm excited, and hopeful for Justin in this next school year. Last year was completely horrible for him, and he went backwards the whole year. Kids were just awful to him, he was in a regular classroom setting, with no acknowledgement for his disabilities, etc. It's was just a horrible year for him, that we are glad to move forward from.
His school is one of the few in Mesa, that are doing a new program there. One that educates the teachers, and students, on how to treat, and accept people with special needs... This should lower the bully rate, and help everyone to get along better, and not single anyone out. They have had great success with it in others areas, and are hopeful for success within their school as well.
He will be placed in a class, where his teacher is educated in not just general education, but with Autism as well. I couldn't be more thrilled. Justin will also be taken from the classroom daily, to get special help in subjects he struggles with. They will also give him Speech Therapy, and Occupational Therapy. These two things are very vital for him to have, to get on the right track of learning better. He's pretty far behind, and has a long way to go. He should be going into 6th grade, but will be starting 5th, and he's on about a 2nd grade level with things.
The doctor that diagnosed him is really educated in Autism, and has been specializing in diagnosis in this for over 33 years. She mentioned that she didn't believe Justin would ever get on that so-called "normal" level, but couldn't say he wouldn't for sure... Because, things do happen. What is normal anyways? ;) Words can't express my love for this child. To think I wasn't even a mother to him 2 1/2 years ago, is just weird to me. I feel like I've been Mom all along, and am so grateful my husband came into my life with "our" two sweet boys. I don't know how I got so lucky with them! But, I sure won't question it. :D
When this all started, the beginning of getting Justin diagnosed, etc.. I was completely overwhelmed, somewhat a lost feeling, and searching for knowledge, and figuring out how to feel about it all. I have some really great people in my life, and very informative people on top of that. Some that I've never even physically met, but has been true, and sincere friends, via Internet. I'm so thankful for them... You guys know who you are! I'll never thank you enough. One of those friends specializes in helping children with special needs, and getting them the help they need, etc.. Especially, Autistic ones. When I was feeling at my lowest with this all, searching for answers.. He shared the most moving story that someone had written about their situation such as ours. It moved me so much, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It left me sobbing, and my heart full. I want to share that story with you.


I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved


-I love this so much... What a beautiful analogy!! It's weird because, my number one dream vacation has always been Italy. After reading this I thought, "well maybe I should check out Holland." ;)
I won't waste my time in asking "why?" Or waste my time asking "how?" Instead, I will spend my time learning, accepting, and appreciating the fact that God trusted me enough, to be a Mom... To a fantastic work of art, that I'm ever so lucky... To call my son.